Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express.
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives they were given
by 'im upstairs...
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Stay away!
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented -
to calm us all down, stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our head.
But you pay the taxes!
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers,
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
Scatter. Party!
After all these years of marriage, I can truly, hand on heart, say,
better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
What a load of bollocks.
Mimi.
Patrick.
It's what I need, Mimi. New start. New challenges.
I know. For both of us.
Come on, or we're going to be late.
Patrick has had a brilliant business opportunity offered to him in Ireland.
Night clubs. Two in Belfast, one in Lisburn.
I've always turned the offer down before because...
...it means relocating.
We want to move on with our lives separately.
It won't be necessary.
This wedding certificate. I'm afraid to say, it's fake.
You what?
It's not worth the paper it's written on.
But we signed it, at the church, with Father Jim.
Therein lies the problem.
Come here, you fucking fraudster! Come here!
Father Jim wasn't a Father?
Not according to Interpol.
And this means?
You, er, can't actually be granted a divorce...
...because you were never married.
You what?!
Carl, give me a ring as soon as you can.
Ah. Good timing.
Stella's having her afternoon nap, and we're late enough as it is.
For what?
Book club.
Oh, fucking hell. Till when?
Willy Wonka's on the telly at five. She'll love that.
Oh, fucking delightful(!) That'll be all right then(!)
- And if you're good... - Yes?
...I might go by the offie, grab you a four pack.
Oh, well just give us... Just give us a few quid then, for some cigs.
I haven't had a smoke in over three hours!
No.
You need to tell him you're not a cash cow.
Stay out of it, Mother.
Milking you dry.
Yeah, stay out of it... Bet she's got some cash stashed away.
Balance your budget with a bit more conviction, Frank.
And?
And I might take a look at increasing your overdraft.
OK, sir?
Stella's asleep in her cot.
In the eyes of God I'm no better than a fucking prossie!
And what about Mandy and Fergal?
Denied access through the pearly gates!
Stuck up there in purgatory for ever? Whose fault's that?
The prick that dressed up in a cassock and pretended to be a priest.
Wrong answer.
It's your fault!
What?!
I wouldn't wipe me own arse with this!
(SPLUTTERING)
Get out.
Where did you find Father Jim?
I can't remember. I don't know. He was a friend of a client.
I was in a rush. You made me rush.
Because I didn't want to walk down the aisle in me third trimester, that's why.
You did it on purpose.
Are you taking the piss? How was I supposed to know?
It all makes sense now.
You thought I was tricking you into getting married,
so you picked any old Tom, Dick or Jim just to shut me up.
And the kids? They're all bastards!
Tell me something I don't know.
(TYRES SCREECH)
- We'll have to get married again. - What?
We'll have to get married again.
No, no.
You wanted this divorce, and how can we,
if, because of you, we were never married in the first place?
We do it properly this time, Paddy, for the kids' sake.
No-one need know shit all about this.
As far as anyone's concerned, the divorce has gone through
and we're happy as Larry.
You have to meet me tonight, away from here, to sort this out.
So much for being amicable.
(MUSIC)
Hi, everybody.
All right, Dad?
Top of the world, son. It's official. I'm a free man.
And more importantly, I'm a free woman!
You all right?
It just needs to sink in.
It's not as if they've only just split up.
Not that they've split up.
Just that we're all orphans.
(STELLA CRYING)
(MICROWAVE PINGS)
Fuck!
Are you OK?
Never better. Even got meself a date later.
Fantastic! Who's the lucky fella?
Met him last week in the ready-meal section in Tesco.
What's he like?
Fucking gorgeous.
What's his name?
Jack...Beam.
(CHEERING)
(TV PLAYS)
(DOOR OPENS)
(HE TURNS OFF THE TV)
IAN: That's what he said.
It's understandable if you feel bad about your mum and dad, you know.
We used to have tea together every Sunday.
Dad was never home in the week, and Sundays was the only day he was.
Even if it was just fish-finger butties, it didn't matter,
so long as we was all there round the table.
Me favourite time of the whole week.
Some people never have what you had.
Move on. That's just life. That's what families do.
What's the point in marriage or families if they're always gonna collapse anyway?
You can't say that.
Yeah, I can.
I'd rather not bother if it's all gonna go tits up.
Save meself the mither. Stick to being single.
Come on! We're going out.
- What? - Don't argue, just get ready.
# Psycho for drum machine Shaking their bits to the hits
# Oh, drag acts, drug acts, suicides
# In your dad's suits you hide
# Staining his name again
# Oh, cracked up, stacked up, 22... #
That's a good lickle girl, Stella. Your brother will be back soon.
Daddy won't be long, sweetheart.
(WHISPERING) Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Back by midnight or you're grounded.
Too much cleavage?
Taking the piss? You can never have enough cleavage.
I beg to differ.
See you later.
See you, Mum.
Shane! Come on.
Dad's house. Lads' night in.
(CHEERING)
What the fuck?!
You are going nowhere!
There you are, Paddy!
Get that beer down you, Dad.
Divorce parties are all the rage nowadays, Dad.
Cheers!
Wahey!
What the fuck are we celebrating?
Rosalita?
No.
OK, OK, I know.
The barnet. Before you say it.
It is dyed, but I prefer to use the word coloured.
I'm not Rosalita.
I have shaved a few years off my age.
I thought if I told the truth, you might not turn up.
Oh, and I added just a few inches to me height.
What do you think?
Good enough for Tom Cruise...
Excuse me?
It's me. Herbert!
I'm not Rosalita and never will be Rosalita, do you understand?
Now, do me a favour, you desperate piece of shit. Do one.
Although I prefer the words, "Fuck off!"
(CHEERING)
Herbert?
Rosalita.
Pleased to meet you, Rosalita,
but I'm afraid I'm not Herbert.
You'll certainly do, though.
Don't tell me you've been stood up as well?
Kind of.
Can I get you a drink to make up for it?
Here we go. Gay?
Huh!
Married?
Might've known.
Actually. No, not ever.
(TEXT MESSAGE ALERT)
Well, then? What's your problem?
Nothing, sweetheart.
It's just, normally I'm the one that buys the drinks.
What would you like?
I'll have a vodka, lime and lemonade, please.
Double? Why not.
Good.
(MUSIC)
I'll get these.
I'm sorry.
How to put someone off in ten seconds.
Next I'll be asking you if you come here often.
Or would you prefer the funny angle?
If this bar is the meat market, you must be the prime rib.
It's not funny, though.
Someone actually said that to me once.
What, are you serious?
On my life. Proper dick.
I'm Gary.
Come on through.
There's beer in the fridge.
Help yourself.
I did it all myself.
What?
This place. Did it myself.
It's mint.
I'm an architect.
Yeah?
What about you?
I've got me own company.
Doing what?
Credit control. You know, high end of the market.
Big rewards on the back of the credit crunch.
It can be ruthless, but I love it.
Yeah, sounds like you do.
People always said I'd never do anything with my life,
so I wanted to prove them all wrong.
Yeah, so I did.
Oi, you bastards!
We warned you!
Slag!
Nowt wrong with ambition.
So, what are you into?
Just a snog to start with.
Bit of massage. Some oral. I prefer to 69.
But I don't usually go in for penetration on the first date,
unless maybe anal beads, you know, if you've got 'em.
I meant music.
Oh.
Morning, Frank.
Toast?
Yeah.
If it's no trouble.
No trouble at all.
I don't think so, sunshine.
No trouble at all.
How dare you!
Fucking hell!
You think Libby would give you a second glance
if she knew you stole my savings?
Oh, yeah? What about you?
What is it for benefit fraud these days? Ten years max!
You give those back.
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!
Are you never satisfied, woman? You've got a roof over your head.
You'd be fucked if it wasn't for me! Desolate. Homeless.
Doesn't give you the right to take my money!
Oh, yes, it does, sunshine.
Anyway, what's an old crow like you gonna spend the money on?
Fucking corn plasters?
I am your landlord. Eh?
Benefit cards. Money.
It's mine.
Comprende?
(DOOR OPENS)
Is this your idea of revenge, is it?
Not satisfied with ruining our first marriage.
You want to fuck this one up as well?
I got distracted.
Father Tony, a legitimate priest,
is trying to raise cash for his new church roof,
and I said we might be able to help him out.
If you want to put things right, meet me there at half ten.
Come on. Shift!
Mimi, Rosalita. Rosalita, Mimi.
Don't be late, and leave the dog at home.
I'll be straight with you. I can't do it.
It's against all we stand for here, Mimi. You know that.
- God won't mind. How could he mind? - I can understand what this means to you.
But a blessing from me isn't going to take away the fact
that your children remain illegitimate.
With respect, Father, we didn't come here for a lecture.
Don't!
You're supposed to be a man of religion. An ambassador of good will.
What a load of crap!
You can't say "crap" in church.
I'll say what I like, church or no church.
It wouldn't hurt you to help us out, would it?
Let's cut to the chase, shall we? We know all about you lot.
MIMI: Us lot?
Throwing your weight around the population of Chatsworth
doesn't mean you can throw it about around God.
Not here, pal.
Who're you calling "pal"?
You don't scare me.
That's cos you've already got the fear of God firmly implanted up your...
Paddy!
To think that someone would actually dress up and imitate this hypocrisy!
It's not his fault.
You should leave.
Now!
I should have had an abortion when I had the chance,
cos you're not fit to be a father.
I'm sorry, Jesus.
I didn't mean what I said about the abortion.
I'd have had a hundred of his kids.
I'll say ten Hail Marys.
You not staying for a brew, hot lips?
Is there any point?
I like you.
I like you too, if you must know.
You could at least leave me your number.
What, so I can keep checking my phone and wonder why you've not called?
It's not my style.
You call me, then.
Later.
Let's go for a drink.
Nothing heavy.
Hmm?
Sorry I'm late. Been stinging some fit bird.
Oh, aye? What's his name?
Right, the Rileys. Old pals of mine.
They've got a few burger vans dotted about the place.
Some new firm's been treading on their patch up at Hilltop.
They're paying us to get rid of 'em.
What?
We know.
We're already onto it.
It was Mam's suggestion.
She wanted to make sure we handle the business side of things here from now on.
My contact, though.
But you're going away, though.
Anything else?
No, not at the moment.
Right, then.
Best be getting off.
Gary? I was just wondering, erm, do you fancy that drink?
I mean, just a drink, you know, nowt else,
although that's up to you, I'm easy...
But, listen if you're busy and that, it's no hassle, you know,
I mean, there's plenty of other stuff I've got to do, like, erm...
Like...
Well, I've got to go to the doctors, not that I've got herpes or nothing,
you know, it's just like a medical once every six months, gen...
(DOOR OPENS)
(BELLS PEAL)
(KNOCK AT DOOR)
Thought I'd cheer myself up with a bit of make believe,
cos that's all our marriage was - fiction.
It was real for us.
Tell him he's got two days. If it's not shifted by then,
things are gonna get really nasty.
Right. Yeah.
Oi, I thought we told you to be gone by Wednesday!
Are you taking the piss or what?
Since when did architects flip burgers?
MIMI: Did you ever love me?
Or did you just marry me because it was the right thing to do?
Of course I loved you.
Ireland. Why, exactly?
Business.
Or pleasure?
You've got some slut tucked back in the homeland, haven't you?
GARY: I just wanted to impress.
- Is this your credit control? - (HORN HONKS)
A branch of it, yeah.
The flat?
It's me brother's.
I'm minding it till he gets back next week.
So you were just stringing me along with all your lies?
- It's that fucking Arlene, isn't it? - Arlene? Cousin Arlene?!
Away enough times on business.
You were never here for the birth of any of our kids.
You could even have a second family.
You've lost it, you mad bitch.
Well, you know everything now,
I haven't got any more secrets.
SHANE: Micky.
Look, just leg it. He's a proper mental bastard.
He'll fuck you up.
Can't you tell him that you know me?
Tell him about us?
I said leg it!
I'm not the only one with a secret, am I?
I've given him 48 hours. He'll be gone, all right.
You'd better find a priest to marry us so we can get divorced,
because if I have to find one, I swear, Paddy,
it'll be to perform the viaticum before packing you in a box back to Ireland!
I didn't think I'd see you again.
Look, I panicked...
A box of choccies or some flowers would have been nice.
Why didn't you tell me you were a Maguire?
Does it matter?
No.
Not at all.
- So you don't mind about the...? - What, this?
Nah.
You can give me another one later if you like.
So we're still boyfriends, then?
God, yeah!
I'm shagging Paddy Maguire.
Just promise me you'll keep it shtoom.
You know how it is. I...
I like to keep a low profile.
Yeah?
Paddy?
Yeah?
When me brother gets back, I'm going to be homeless.
I wanted to ask if I can stay at yours.
Look, I know we've only been together for a couple of days,
but it doesn't have to be heavy.
Thanks. Just think of it as kipping on the sofa.
But you'll be in my bed?
Yeah.
Top, innit?
I thought we were just having a bit of fun.
Yeah, we are. Aren't we?
Yeah.
So, let me kip at yours, then.
Keep things like this.
Why mess with the momentum?
I'm shagging Paddy Maguire...
Paddy Maguire...
What's with the face?
Nothing much.
I just fucked up, that's all.
I've said something I shouldn't have and it's too late to put it right.
Take it from me. It's never too late to put things right.
What about you and Mam?
I know what I did was wrong and I live with a lot of regrets,
but what can I do? Let it cripple me?
What's the point in that?
Got a life to live. I have to make it work.
Do you regret...
Mam?
I could never regret that, son.
Where's the fucking fire?
Civic Hall's got a slot.
- When? - Four o'clock today.
He's been helping me.
Listen!
All right, all right. What exactly is it you want me to do?
I'm going to be there when he takes you up the aisle.
- He's going to be best man. - And maid of honour.
Right, I best dash. Shit loads to sort.
Could at least look happy about it.
Civic Hall?
I did the best I could on short notice.
But we're religious.
Patrick, please! Patrick!
We do this or we don't. Your call.
MIMI: I know what your game is.
Because of my faith, you thought I'd call it off.
Not gonna work.
We're getting married at four o'clock today, whether you like it or not.
Am I making myself clear?
Excuse me.
Oh, I don't think so.
What?
Do you mind?
Well?
Tony Barton.
Do you remember him?
He knew you since you were a wee babby.
They gave him four months to live, poor bastard.
He came straight round.
Signed it over to me.
As far as they know, he's still alive.
The system paid us nothing when your father dumped me
and left the two of us alone and skint.
I do this for you and me.
Who do you think's been paying for your extra medication all these years?
It's my revenge.
You understand that, don't you?
Frank violated that arrangement. He deserved it.
I did it to save ya!
From what?
That joker.
When are you going to realise that he's the man I love?
You love his family, you've still got them. Stop complaining.
Liam, your dad's been arrested.
I know. Carl told me. Laters.
I need money to bail him out, Mother. Where is it? Where is the money?
Over my dead body.
She just doesn't want me to be happy.
Every time. I don't know what's wrong with her.
Well, you know, we could put her in a home.
Or euthanasia. One way ticket and a cuckoo clock.
The minute you bail us out of here, babe, that's what we'll do, eh?
We can't afford the bail.
What?
No! They'll cart me off to prison if we can't pay! Fuckin' hell!
I can't cope with prison. You don't know what it's like...
Oh, OK, you do. Look,
your mother has got money stashed away somewhere.
Find them. Just get me out of here.
I'll see what I can do, but I might need a bit of time.
Agh, fucking...time?
Mine's running out. You know what?
They're transferring some fucking nutter from another prison
to my holding cell before his trial.
Calls himself Shit Burglar or Burger or something like that.
His last five cell mates...
If I don't get out of here soon I'm gonna be number six, aren't I?
Crisis. Mam's getting married today. I heard her telling Dad.
What? Who the hell to?
That new fella.
What? The one from the supermarket? Jack Beam?
They've only been on a couple of dates.
JAMIE: We've not even met this bloke.
What is she playing at?
She's on the rebound.
- What's Dad said? - Well, he didn't look best pleased.
Not really any of his business now they're divorced.
It is if he still loves her.
Yeah, and what makes you think that,
apart from the fact you've never left your mam's tit?
Something he said, actually.
He got all emotional and misty-eyed over Mam before.
But we've got to stop it. For Mam as much as Dad.
She needs to make her own mistakes, Micky.
It's been a week, Karen.
In't getting married after a week more than just a mistake?
Who is this geezer? Where does he live?
Gorgeous!
Ready?
Is that the last?
Sorted.
You cock! You didn't turn the page over.
Bollocks!
Fucking hell!
There's only one option left. Come on.
Love is patient, love is kind and not jealous.
Love does not brag and is not arrogant...
Did you choose these words?
Did I fuck!
Ahem...
Love does not rejoice in righteousness.
Love rejoices in the truth.
Love endures all things.
Love is not provoked, does not take into account wrongs suffered...
Wait! Mum!
- Mum? - Dad?
What the fuck?
Look, sorry. It's not what you...
I love your mother.
I couldn't let her go.
We've...
...both made big mistakes, but...
I think I speak for all of us when I say thank you.
This is the happiest day of my life.
Our lives.
I love you, Mimi.
Sorry.
I now pronounce you man and wife.
(RADIO PLAYS FOLK MUSIC)
Think because Frank's not here things will go back to the way they were?
Not happening.
Here you go, love.
Thank you.
(IRISH MUSIC)
(CHEERING)
I know my son.
And I know when he's distracted by something.
Why don't you ask her over for tea?
Oh, God, Micky, she's not a fucking vegan, is she?
No.
Have you told her you love her yet?
Nah.
Don't you think it's about time you did?
I've think I've fucked it up by telling a few lies...
And she's fallen for it?
If you want the relationship to work, tell her the truth.
It's the only basis for a solid future.
She must like you for you.
KAREN: OK, everyone.
I think it's probably time that the happy couple
had a little bit of time on their own.
Yeah, you can have your old room back.
(CHEERING)
(KNOCKING)
(KNOCKING AND SQUEAKING)
MIMI: My arse is in bulk.
PADDY: Don't ruin the momentum.
How we gonna get out of this one?
I don't know.
You should have just told them the truth.
What? Oh, aye, "Sons, we found out our marriage wasn't real
"but we got married again so you'd all be legitimised."
Do you know how fucked up that sounds? Nothing's changed.
I still want a divorce.
OK.
And I'm still leaving tomorrow.
Here, get on this.
I just had a call. You know that prick on the burger van?
He's only been blagging to people that he's shagging Paddy Maguire.
Fucking cock!
How could you betray me?
I had no choice.
Just tell me where the money is and I'll post your bail. Dead simple.
Over my dead body.
Th...The basin!
Of my commode.
Libby.
Libby!
Oh, my God!
Our honeymoon.
You carried that round in your pocket for two years, you know.
I've got a confession to make.
It's not from Giant's Causeway.
Our Shane got the real one stuck up his nose when you was away in Belfast,
nearly had a thrombo.
Got our Jamie to go out and find another stone when we got back.
So, I walked around with this in my pocket for nothing, then?
I wouldn't let you wash this, remember?
Oh, God.
My tears.
You wanted to keep my tears.
The day Lennon was shot.
Nothin' to do with Lennon.
Our Jamie said his first word that day. "Mam".
His first word was "Da".
Mandy's first word was "Dad".
Cheers, mate. Thanks very much.
Feel good shagging the cock of Chatsworth? Eh?
You, shouting the odds off about me? I said keep shtoom, didn't I?!
Look, Paddy, listen...
I'm not Paddy Maguire. OK?
- What? - I'm tired with the lies.
Mine, yours, everyone else's.
It's not worth it.
You want to know the truth?
I'm a closet poofter who wears furry slippers.
I file me toenails. I like The Waltons. No!
I love The Waltons.
And I had a dog what used to suck me off.
So you still want to go out, then?
- Eh? - You're not Paddy?
Yeah, I thought not.
Get this van out of here by midnight or I'll fucking scalp ya!
Which was hers?
They were all hers.
We did all right, you and me, you know.
I know, love.
They were good days.
- We were a brilliant family. - We are a brilliant family.
I'm sorry I couldn't make it work.
- Keep it, Paddy. - No.
You keep it.
It'll remind you of how it used to be.
That life we had.
You're a good dad.
Deep down in there, you're a good man.
What the fuck are you doing?
What does it look like?
Making a mistake.
I know your marriage is a sham.
I heard you both, talking about divorce and Ireland.
Don't try and deny it.
Mum, you told me the only basis for a solid relationship is the truth.
So, is this because it's love?
Or just because it's easy?
Just do the right thing.
Not for us, or anyone else,
but for you.
We'll love you, no matter what.
Wahey!
You know, you shouldn't beat yourself up about it, mate.
I mean, if we're all really honest,
it wouldn't take that much for us to murder one of our kids.
Most of us might stop at dismembering, though.
You know?
Ha ha ha ha! I'm only...
I'm only fucking with you, come on! Come on, your deal.
Hey.
- Gonna let Mum stew for a while. - Right.
And you and me, sweetheart, are going out gallivanting!
I fucking love you, Libby Croker. Mm!
MIMI: The first date I had with Paddy, I was wearing this little black dress.
I looked great.
He knew it and I knew it.
What are you going to tell the other two?
Don't worry about them. They're used to you disappearing.
And me just being around.
I wore that dress again for our first anniversary.
I couldn't get into it for the second. Or third.
I didn't chuck it out, though.
Hung onto it for years, telling myself that, one day, it would fit again.
It never did.
It was in the wardrobe years.
Just hanging, waiting.
Goodbye, Mimi.
In the end, I had to admit defeat and let it go.
It just didn't fit any more.
It just didn't fit.
RADIO: Elsewhere, Police are investigating a spate of disappearances
in the Manchester area.
They say it is a particularly unusual case as all the victims have the name J Beam.
And in other news, rallies today continued outside the town hall.
The message was clear.
I fucking love my kids.